Kissing a boy that you find attractive

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All at a sudden he was naked in front of me as he shrugged off the sweat pants and boxers I gave him, and he turned to me, as if he could read what I was thinking. He didn’t comment on my obvious interest but merely asked quietly, “Help me get in the bath?” I did and was surprised again by the softness of his skin and the smallness of his waist. I also sensed my physical reaction to him. Please don’t let him feel it, I pleaded to myself. He was not self-conscious being stark naked and full of bruises, and I had to touch him to help him get into the tub, so how come I was such a complete freak for thinking of him sexually the entire time? I could never forget the electricity that I felt when our skins connected. Sure he smelled bad, a mixture of sweat and sourness, not surprising after days of not washing. Fuck knew when he last washed. To hide all these conflicting, confusing thoughts, I stupidly said, “Hmm, let me add some smelly in there for you.”

I found a bottle of mum’s bath foam with a purplish flower on the label that said something about invigorating. I certainly found him invigorating so I didn’t know if he needed any help himself. Finally, I shifted my feet and said, “Well, hmm. I’ll leave you. Will you be okay?”

He looked up and I swear it was the first time I saw anything remotely positive from him when he smirked and his face lit up for a second. I left to give him space to wash himself. Of course, I wanted to stay. Anything to be near him and to see his bare skin would be welcome. I had to run back to my room and jerk off. Don’t think I was some kind of pervert for nursing someone and getting turned on by him. I couldn’t help it but it wasn’t like I took advantage of him, was it?

It was even harder not to let myself get carried away when later I had to help the naked, dripping wet man out of the bath and get dressed. He didn’t like being helped but I still had to dry his legs and feet, which meant, I had his groin right in front of my face. Oh please. I tried to look down at the floor instead. I got his arms up to put the T-shirt on. Even the hair in his arm pits was golden. He had difficulty bending, so I put the boxers and loose cotton trousers on him, and suffered through more closeness to his bottom. My clothes kinda hanged off him. His hip bone literally protruded like some starved third world children. My face was practically pressed against his hip. Well, he didn’t look so good down there right now but I still felt the heat rise up in me with the excitement of being so near him and his musky masculinity. It was hard not to let it show. By the time we got back to the front room he was exhausted from the bath and fell asleep again with more Codeine.

When he refused lunch, I made another cup noodle and watched a comic film adaptation with my headphones on when he suddenly spoke, “Is that all you eat, Jay?”

I turned in surprise that he was up and talked. “Well, it’s not like you are into food, mate.”

He lay still on the couch but half turned to face me, “I eat.”

“So what do you like? Your reaction to the pizza was pretty extreme.” I chuckled.

“The restaurants in Chinatown put leftover food out for us. That’s pretty nice.” He shifted a little to be more comfortable.

I wondered about that, “Wow, like free Chinese takeout? Sounds cool.”

“Not if you have to sleep by the dumpster in the first place.” He said, quite nonchalant about it. I wondered about that, imagined how he slept in doorways and back alleys like other homeless people I had seen. I never paid too much attention to them, perhaps like everyone else. Those dark, shady figures were there to be ignored, right?

“So, you really are homeless?” I was a dumb fuck. I had to ask the question, but he just shrugged like he did so often.

We ended up sharing joints again that afternoon. I carried on my one-sided conversation while he patiently watched me, his newly cleaned hair shone in the sun. He had his back to the door frame, eyes closed to catch the rays like he was on holidays and enjoying himself, trying to get a tan. For the first time since we picked him off the front lawn, he was relaxed. I was absolutely mesmerised by the shape of his face, by the lines of his nose, by the vulnerability of that bruised body. I leaned forward and touched his lips with mine, then immediately realised that I shouldn’t have done that.

His eyes snapped open on impact but he didn’t seem too shocked or upset. Still. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” I muttered and moved off straightaway, a little awkwardly.

His facial expression didn’t change though when he gazed at me. “It’s okay.”

My eyes went wide, “Okay? Hmm.” I tried to busy myself with a little loose thread of my top. I hadn’t even kissed a boy before and now I had done this to the stranger who didn’t yet have a name. What the fuck was I doing?

He lit and sucked on the joint deeply and breathed out, “Does your mum know you’re gay?”

I stared at him. I guess I hadn’t considered coming out seriously. Hell, I hadn’t come out to myself so why would I have spoken to my Ma about it? “Ahh, no.” I answered. He took another toke and passed it back to me, and he didn’t comment further. All my doubts evaporated as he acted like it was nothing special and like he said, it was okay. It was fine just like that, kissing a boy that you found attractive. I couldn’t believe I just came out for the first time to a total stranger after kissing him. Well, he was an unknown to me even though I had seen more of him than anyone else, including my Ma. I wanted to touch his ass and every other parts of that nice body. Jay, stop being so pervy. I had to keep reminding myself.

Author: azukowskiblog

I am a London-based British writer who grew up in the gay village and red light district of Manchester. I was trained in screenwriting at the University of the Arts London; National Film & Television School and Script Factory, UK. I worked as a film journalist, wrote and produced short films. Since then I have been publishing non-fiction for a while. The boy who fell to earth: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/713795

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